Brace yourselves, this is a really long post. But I feel I must explain things with such thoroughness, or the magnitude of God's faithfulness may not be expressed fully.
Our story really began in February of this year, when we were actually in somewhat of a rut financially. I'm not going to get into too much detail here as that isn't really important. The main thing to know is that my income (which is sporadic and not very consistent) helps us pay things beyond basic essentials (mainly, helps to pay off debt and reach our bigger financial goals). In slow wedding months (summer and winter), our income is typically less due to weddings being very seasonal. These months are always tough and it feels like it's never going to end (of course, it always does and God always provides). So during these seasons, we feel like hamsters running on wheels; this period was one of those times. Okay, now that you know that, you should also know baby number 2 wasn't fully on our brains at the time. We talked about it on and off, but didn't feel strongly about trying anytime soon (another blog post on where Jessica's heart was on the "when should we have another baby" topic coming another day - maybe!). But the biggest thing we had going on in January and February was our lack of income. We were really starting to feel it and actually began to panic some (as humans do because we have short term memory loss when it comes to God's provision). We began discussing Jake getting a 2nd job (something neither of us were happy about), or me finding some way to make extra income without sacrificing the time spent with my clients or with Levi. The only option I could think of was baby sitting, but Jake was dead set against that idea. So, what to do?
Enter prayer.
One morning after dropping Levi off at school around the middle to late February (can't remember the exact day), I took a walk at one of the trails I visit frequently and had some prayer time with God. It was real, it was vulnerable, and it was heartfelt. I think tears were had, How would we meet our financial goals with no extra income? Should I get a different job that guarantees more income? How will that work with my desire to be home with kids? How will we ever have another child if we can't seem to get ahead? These were all real questions that I wanted God to hear, because I know He has all the answers, and I don't, and He cares about our concerns - big and small. I just laid it all out on the line and told God how scared we were, but I also let Him know that I acknowledge His ways are higher than ours and I trust whatever He was doing. I asked for answers and guidance and most of all peace. Guess what the Holy Spirit laid on my heart? Here is a dialogue between me and God, not verbatim of course:
Him: Try for a baby, and show Me you trust Me.
Me: SAY WHAT?
Him: You say you trust Me, and you acknowledge My ways are good. Show Me how far you're willing to go.
Me: You're right, I did say that, and I do believe it, as hard as it is. I want to trust you like Abraham did when he was willing to sacrifice his own son to pledge his faithfulness. Give me a heart like that.
So that was somewhat of the conversation had in my heart/mind, so the next thing to do was to talk to my husband about it, as you know his role in this would be kind of important ;) Much to my surprise, he said "okay, let's try". That was even more affirmation of what God told me. However, I must note here that while pledging my trust to God, I knew that meant in good and bad circumstances. This is where I believe the "I could have a miscarriage" seed was planted, and never really left my mind. I had a gut feeling that this type of trust that I was called to have meant I had to trust that things might not turn out the way I expect.
So, with out much further delay, we began trying for a baby. It actually happened the first month we tried (same thing happened with Levi), and I knew a few days afterwards I was pregnant, I could just sense it. I waited until the day of my expected period, which was March 13th, to take a test. To the naked eye, the test would of looked negative. But to the eye that never quits (and pulls the test out of the trash hours later) and holds the test up to all different sorts of light, there was the faintest line. Same thing happened when I tested with Levi; and back then I rushed to the store to get another test, and I did the same thing this time! The second (and third) test was a tad bit darker, but still really hard to see. You could see it a bit better on a phone screen, so I snapped a few photos. What happened next was really a whisper of truth from God, and I believe it affirmed what I thought before; that this pregnancy might end in a miscarriage.
After taking those tests, Levi and I walked to our new neighbor's house (Kelly) to hang out and chat, because we told her earlier in the day we'd stop by. I didn't spill the beans to her (although I wanted to!), we just hung out and chatted while the kids played. Being we were new friends, we just picked any old topic that we could come up with. Somehow, we landed on a conversation of how she had a miscarriage before her 2nd daughter was born, but she got pregnant the very next cycle - and here her daughter was, healthy and happy. This was a conversation she directed and lead to, which I thought was so interesting. I tucked that nugget of hope in my heart, and thought "well, that's encouraging to know in case that ever happens to me". This is just a small part of this story, but I think it's important to note because I now see how God ordained that conversation to happen (she had only moved in a few weeks before, and told me that story at a time when I would need it).
Fast forward to the end of the day, when Jake came home. After dinner, I placed a bowl of pudding in front of him, and put a note on top that said "the proof is in the pudding" and laid the positive tests down next to it. He was so confused at first, and didn't believe me. He even examined the tests and said there was no way they were positive, but upon looking closer (and looking at the photos on my phone) he could see the faint lines. He was happy and overwhelmed all at once. That week we were both excited, but never told Levi (I'm sure glad we didn't). We decided we would tell our families the next weekend because it was Easter and we would be seeing everyone. Telling family early is always something we were okay with doing, mostly because we wanted prayer and support. Of course we told them in a "cute" way, as that's always fun to do (it had to do with baby things inside of an Easter egg). All of our family was of course excited, but I couldn't help feeling hesitant in my heart, especially on Sunday March 19th when we told my parents, which was the night it all began.
Right after my parents left, I began lightly spotting. I tried not to freak out and to stay calm because we were trying to get Levi ready for bed and I didn't want him to be frightened by anything. I ended up calling my friend Yana who lives out of state, because I knew she spotted with both of her pregnancies (both of which turned out fine). She answered and I told her I was sorry she had to find out this way, but that I was pregnant and now spotting. She was so calm and sweet and asked me more details, and said not to worry just yet. But to call the doctor in the morning anyway. After hanging up, I was still on edge, and literally went to the bathroom every 5 minutes to check, and it wasn't going away. After putting Levi to sleep, Jake and I hung out on the couch and he was very loving with me and I told him I really believe we are losing the baby, I just know it. We sat together for a little while, finding comfort in one another. It didn't take very long for things to progress, and soon I was full on having what would be like a heavy period. When that happened, I knew it was over. But all along (well only 6 days actually) I had a feeling it was coming, not that any comfort was had in that, but at the same time, I feel like I was slightly prepared (but nothing can really prepare you, honestly). Before bed, I got in the shower and just cried. It's one thing to expect it to happen, but you just hope your instinct was wrong. In this case, it wasn't. I had a good cry in the shower, and somehow actually managed to get a decent's night rest (even though the cramps were no joke).
In the morning, I woke up early before Levi and Jake were awake to read the Bible and pray. I also wanted to be ready right at 8AM to call the doctor. I prayed and cried for a bit just finding comfort in talking to God about it all. I trusted His plan, as hard as it was. Then I opened up the Bible, not really knowing what I wanted to read, so I just picked a Psalm. I opened up to Psalm 105. I only made it through verse 9, because that was all the encouragement and hope I needed in that moment. Here is what it says...
"Give praise to the Lord, proclaim his name;
make known among the nations what he has done.
2 Sing to him, sing praise to him;
tell of all his wonderful acts.
3 Glory in his holy name;
let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice.
4
Look to the Lord and his strength;
seek his face always.
5
Remember the wonders he has done,
his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,
6 you his servants, the descendants of Abraham,
his chosen ones, the children of Jacob.
7 He is the Lord our God;
his judgments are in all the earth.
8
He remembers his covenant forever,
the promise he made, for a thousand generations,
9 the covenant he made with Abraham,
the oath he swore to Isaac."
This passage spoke to me for a few reasons...
1) It calls us to give praise and glory to God and rejoice in Him for all He's done. It doesn't say to only do this in the good times or when life is going well. It just states to do it because He is worthy.
2) Remember how I prayed for a faith like Abraham's? Well how fitting this passage touches on God's promise to Abraham, and how He will always remember His covenant.
Abraham's faith was tested when he was asked to sacrifice his own son, Isaac, as a test. Abraham agreed to this, and proved to be truly obedient as he held a dagger up to kill his son. But God stopped him, and told him He knew he feared God; he passed the test. In this case, the thing Abraham loved was spared, even though he was willing to lose it to prove His loyalty to God. But God doesn't always spare our "Isaacs". In my story, I was willing to lose my Isaac (figuratively speaking), but was hoping it would be spared. So in the passage in Psalm 105 when it states "He remembers His covenant forever... The covenant He made with Abraham" that spoke to me because if I just keep having steadfast faith, like Abraham did, He will keep true on His promises. It can be so easy to fall into doubt and despair when things go wrong. I could of easily shouted angrily to God, "You told me to do this, I trusted you! Why would you allow it to unfold this way?". But that wouldn't be wholehearted trust, it would be conditional. This was an overwhelming passage for me to read, and I just couldn't help but cry some more because it was the perfect thing I needed to hear at that time, and it was so evident God was speaking to me.
After wrapping up this quiet time with God, it was time to call the doctor. Being I was still so early on in the pregnancy (I only made it to 5 weeks), we hadn't even selected a service provider yet (we didn't know if we were going to go a birth center or OB/hospital - we needed to do some research based on our insurance - another blog post on that coming your way!). So I just called the birth center in Cary, Baby + Co, because that was where I had my last annual exam and was where I would of liked to had care provided. I explained to them what was going on, and they said they did not do ultrasounds in house, so they would call WakeMed physicians for me and get it set up. I was called about 10 minutes later and told I could be seen in North Raleigh (about 35-40 minutes from my house), but I had to be there in 45 minutes! I committed to the appointment and called my mom to ask if she could take Levi to preschool for me because I had to rush to this appointment. Of course she said yes, and met me on the way, and gave me a hug and said she'd meet me at the doctor (I told Jake to go to work because I didn't want him to have to use a sick day). I cried and prayed the whole way there, and finally arrived to the waiting room. I was taken back to the ultrasound room and the nurse was confused why I was there at 5 weeks for a pregnancy check when nothing would show up this early, and I had to explain to her what was going on (someone tell me, why couldn't someone of told her this prior and filled her in on my situation.. It seemed insensitive). Upon examining my uterus, she said nothing was there, all she saw was blood flow. She told me to wait a few minutes and she'd have the on call doctor call us to explain everything. After what felt like forever, a doctor came in and introduced herself. She said normally she isn't in the practice at this time, but happened to be here briefly and wanted to come see me personally instead of talk via video, which I thought was nice. She said although it seemed likely I was having a miscarriage, she has seen cases of women bleeding heavily like this and still having a successful pregnancy, so she didn't want to write it off just yet. She sent me to the lab to have my blood drawn to check my HCG levels (the hormone created during pregnancy). However, these results take a day or two to come back, so I had to leave with no real definitive answer. But I just knew what the answer was, that blood test was only going to solidify my conclusion. After the appointment (my mom was in the waiting room by the way, what a sweet lady!), she and I went to coffee and I told her everything the Lord was showing me. I told her I was of course upset, but I knew He had a plan. After about an hour of talking, I had to leave to pick up Levi from preschool. I tried to keep our day as "normal" as possible, as I didn't want him to see me upset. Surprisingly, I held it together pretty well the rest of the day, and even the rest of the time thereafter. Jake did end up coming home from work early, as he was pretty upset about everything, too. Two days later, I ended up calling the birth center and told them I hadn't received any results from my blood test yet. She said she'd look into it and call me back. She called back in about an hour and said my levels were at 7, which in addition to my ultrasound was indicative of a complete miscarriage. She said normally they like to see patients until that number reaches 0, but since I was so close she wasn't going to make me come in again. I was told "wait 2-3 cycles to being trying again", but I already decided we were going to try right away, or else I'd lose momentum and allow doubt to enter my mind.
In the weeks to follow, we told a few people in our inner circle, and they were very supportive. I was surprised by the way I began to heal and process afterwards. I'm not going to touch too much on the subject, because everyone heals in their own way, and my story is not someone else's, and that's okay! For me, it was best to keep the ended pregnancy more distant, rather than constantly being surrounded by the loss. For that reason, I didn't assign a name or gender to the baby (after all we didn't even know that information). I found comfort in knowing that the baby was still in the very early stages, not even really developed into much yet. Possibly there was something wrong with the genetic makeup, so my body terminated the pregnancy out of necessity. These are the things make me feel better, and I am just so thankful I didn't have to experience a loss later in the pregnancy. I count myself fortunate that if I am going to be a part of the 25% statistic, that I at least wasn't further along. My heart breaks for any woman that has to go through this, no matter 5 weeks or 20 weeks, because it's hard no matter what; we all just handle it differently. To this day, I am still upset that it happened, but I try not to dwell on it too much, trusting God had a reason for it, and now we are pregnant again (which happened the very next cycle by the way, just like Kelly!). We would not have this baby, if it weren't for the loss of the other one. There has to be a reason for that.
I'd be lying if I said I'm not nervous every day with this pregnancy. I'm almost out of the 1st trimester, and time can't move fast enough. I ordered a heart Doppler, so I can listen to the heartbeat whenever I want. All I can do, though, is pray and trust in God. I don't have a "feeling" or intuition that this pregnancy will end, but that doesn't mean things can't happen or go wrong. I just try not to dwell on that, and live my life and lean on God's peace. This miscarriage also kind of took the fun away from telling family and friends. I honestly told Jake over text and my parents over the phone. Jake's parents found out in person, but I was too defeated to come up with a "cute reveal". You are much more hesitant to share the news, when your news blew up in your face the last time. We really wanted to wait until 13 weeks to share with all of you, but my belly had other plans.
My prayer is of course for a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby, but I trust God's plan as His ways are higher than mine. I know this was a long post, but it's been a story I've been wanting to put on "paper" for a while. I feel that God's faithfulness and provision is weaved in and out of this story, and I hope it encourages someone out there. If nothing else, it is a piece of documented history on this blog, that I can read in the years to come to hopefully encourage me in a time where I might be questioning His faithfulness. Life is unfortunately full of sadness and heartache, due to the fall of man into sin long ago. That was never God's purpose for His beloved children, He desires perfection for us, which thankfully Jesus came to die and attain for us. Now, we won't get to experience that here on this earth, but we will in Heaven and oh what a joy that will be! That is hope, that is love, that is peace. I hope and pray you can find that in your own life, as I have in mine.
Xoxo
Jessica
