There's only so much knowledge one can obtain while reaching the end of your very first pregnancy.. sure, you can read up on what will happen to your body minutes after delivery up until months after delivery. You can solicit advice from your friends who have gone through it... but until you actually reach the other side, you cannot truly KNOW what all goes down after baby comes out.
I am going to share *some* of what I have experienced (and am still experiencing) post-delivery. Remember, every woman is different.. so my experience may not be your experience. I will try to bring some humor into it where I can, after all, what happens postpartum is totally uncontrollable and unpredictable.. you just have to go with it! Some of what I'm about to say may be graphic or unsettling, but it's just what happens! I think it's good to know what to expect so you aren't like, "my butthole can turn inside out?" LOL.. more on that later.
Fact 1) You think you've seen your share of blood in life, but I guarantee you, until you have delivered a baby, you have not. No episode of Grey's Anatomy or CSI can prepare you for this. And I do not say this to scare you, it's totally normal! Your doctor (or nurse, or midwife) will alert you if you surpass "not normal" (I almost did surpass, but quickly recovered). After you deliver, you of course have to push out the placenta.. piece of cake. Literally, it looks like a pancake lol. Mine was out in one measly push. But after, oh after, they have to push down on your stomach to get the blood out and for other reasons that I do not know, I am not a doctor. Since I did not have an epidural, I was able to feel the Niagra Falls like sensation that flowed forth from my womanly parts. I was like, "seriously, am I going to die? That's a lot of friggin blood!". You will continue to be pushed on periodically.. at first it will be minutes apart, then hours. Then for me, 3 days later when a nurse came to our home to check on me. About an hour or two after Levi was born, I decided I would try and use the bathroom to pee (they want you to do this anyway before leaving). Oh boy, you think your water breaking is something? Try leaving a bloody trail anywhere you go. Poor Jake left the birth center with blood on his feet. After FINALLY peeing (took me about 15 minutes.. my body did not compute lol) I got up off the toilet, and you could of sworn the toilet was ordered in a red finish instead of white. Quite graphic. Upon being sent home, you are given pretty much a diaper that puts any pair of Depends to shame. And you will soak it through in an hour. I am not lying. Please do not be scared if you have not given birth yet.. losing this blood does not hurt or anything, although it will make you super light headed. So rest, rest, rest and hydrate and EAT. Above all, eat. I don't care if you have to have someone remind you to eat (I had to have this done for me) but do it.. so important for your recovery and for baby, especially if you're nursing. Make sure you stock up on every size pad there is. You'll be starting out with the biggest overnight maxi pads, then going to medium, then panty liners. I bled for about 6 weeks. The heaviest is those first few days, then it's just like a period and then very light spotting. Your practitioner will let you know if you're on the "normal" road. In conclusion, you would of thought you were at a murder scene, not a birth haha.
Fact 2) You may find a donut between your butt checks, and no not a Krispy Kreme. Most every woman will develop some form of hemorrhoids during labor. Since I pushed for 5 hours straight, I brought every single one to life. After labor, when you walk around you feel like you have a golf ball between your butt cheeks. Haha, all I can do is make light of this, because it's so humiliating! It's especially humiliating when your mother, your husband, your mother in law and best friend have seen it all. Now when you see them you may think, "great, they've seen my donut butthole." Oh well, such is life! Something that helped me (that is quite hilarious) was brewing black tea bags and putting them there to sit for a few hours. No I did not use the tea bags afterwards to brew a batch of tea (what a cruel prank idea). It really helps with the swelling, I'm not kidding. Go ahead and laugh, but it works.
Fact 3) You may fart on accident without warning, and not only out of your rear. Do I really need to say more? Start working on your "post-fart cover up tactics" now.
Fact 4) The phrase, "I feel like I got hit by a truck" will have a whole new meaning. There are some women that are peppy and energetic as hell after labor.. I have 3 words for you: I hate you. No I don't, you rock for having a baby, but seriously! I was walking around like a decrepit 100 year old for a few days and felt like I had competed in a triathlon, got stampeded by a herd of bulls and had the flu all at the same time. All while taking care of a newborn! But here's the funny thing, we were designed to handle this and our baby. It really is amazing that the minute you become a Mom you put all of this aside and just get'r dun. Thankfully, I had a lot of help that first week. Jake was such a huge help and so was my Mom. All of our friends and family brought us food and helped so much. Please make sure you have some help! With some adequate rest, you will be back to yourself in no time!
Fact 5) You may never look the same. I'm sorry to say this, but try as you might your body might not go back to how it looked pre-baby. There are a few women out there who might get their old body back (loathe them), but there may at least be ONE thing that will just not go away or be "normal" again. During pregnancy, my stomach had NO stretch marks.. after delivery BAM there they were. Wtf? For a while, you will look like a "Beer Belly Bubba", but it eventually goes back down. I am only 3 pounds away from my pre-baby weight, but my stomach is far from flat. I know I only delivered 3 months ago, so there is still room for change. But I can just tell it will never look like it did. Also, I may have to see a doctor about this, but I think my femur bone (big leg bone in your thigh) moved or shifted and so did my hip. Upon looking in the mirror a few weeks ago, I noticed a huge dent in my upper leg.. I wouldn't be surprised if by Levi being in the birth canal for 5 hours that it may have shifted my hips around. And don't even get my started about my boobs.. I used to judge women who would get boob jobs, but honestly, if they've had kids I can't blame them. Jake still thinks I'm hot, and I wish that was enough for me, but you will start to call yourself stupid for ever thinking your old body was "imperfect". Ha! If only I could have that body again.
Fact 6) You'll shed more than a Newfoundland dog. While in the shower, you may pull out a glob of hair enough to make a wig. Don't be alarmed. This is totally normal and should subside by baby's first birthday.
Fact 7) You might be more scared of your first bowel movement than birth itself. Shoot, I was! After delivery, I was DREADING the moment the poop train (what we call it in our house) was going to hit. Thankfully, I started taking the stool softener Colace (highly recommend!) the day after delivery. And what do you know, when I felt #2 creep up, it slid out with ease and I barely felt it (TMI? well, that's what this post is about, the nitty gritty). I remember heading to the toilet and telling my Mom, "Pray for me, I'm about to poop". Hahaha! I was scared to death! Do continue to take the Colace daily for a few weeks after birth, to ensure those subsequent poops come out just as easily!
Fact 8) You might treat your husband (or other family members) like doo-doo. Jake was (and still is) amazing at helping me after delivery and helping me with the baby. But you cannot control these crazy'as hormones! Mix that with a lack of sleep and you are on the fast track to becoming a royal B. No one can blame you though, and if they give you lip, you just say, "I just gave birth, what have you done today?". I got easily annoyed and felt disconnected with him. A variation of this is normal, but you should definitely talk to your doctor if you feel it is out of control. It could mean postpartum depression. I ranked low on the scale, but I still had thoughts and feelings that were not normal for me. Poor hubby. I am just now feeling 100% normal towards him. Thank you babe for putting up with me! *Read more about this here
Fact 9) Sex will be the same... eventually. The usual "wait period" is 6 weeks if you're recovering nicely. I've known people to do it after 2 weeks and were just fine. You crazy fo'dat! I was really scared when 6 weeks came and a midwife told me I was in the clear. It was like anticipating my wedding night all over again. It wasn't that bad at all. Communication and patience are KEY! It still is a work in progress, but definitely still enjoyable, that's all I'll say regarding that. On the same note, you may die of frustration because your child may never allow you to have sex in peace again. For me, hearing one peep out of Levi kills the mood. And for some reason, he always seemed to know when to make a peep. We've learned that we have to wait until his last feeding of the night (9:30/10pm) when he's down until morning to even attempt this. Usually he's out like a light by then! Yes, you may be tired and unwilling this late at night, but tis the life of a parent!
Fact 10) You will (and should!) feel an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. There is nothing in this life more challenging and rewarding as delivering a baby. Isn't amazing what your body can do?! Go ahead, boast a little, I know I do ;)
In conclusion, there are some serious (postpartum depression) and not so serious after effects of having a baby. Try to make light of the ones that you can and remember that your body created a human being and delivered it! (For you C-section mamas, your road was hard, too! Recovery is a son of a biscuit). When you think things can't get any weirder, just remember things like this (and many, many more) happen to Moms all of the time. Hold your shedding head high and wear this postpartum badge of honor with pride!
xox Jessica.. the shedding, flabby and PROUD Mommy to Levi!
