In my quiet time today, I "stumbled" (yea right, if you know God, nothing is coincidence!) across Romans 5:3-5. Now, I've been following (somewhat... working on designating quite time in my day) a reading schedule. Today was Romans 5, and how appropriate these few verses are to me right now.
I've really been working on not airing out my personal problems on social media, especially because to some it can seem hypocritical. One minute, things are great for me and my family, the next we have problems. But isn't that life? And as a Christian, I want to try and be transparent, while also maintaining a fair amount of privacy that my family deserves. So instead of trying to fit a few words of complaining into a Facebook status (which I've REALLY wanted to do the last few weeks), I figured I'd bite my tongue and keep my thoughts to myself. And I'm glad I did, because I really feel I needed to read this passage before doing so. So now, I would much rather write a detailed blog post about it than try and explain everything in one status.
Here it goes...
As many of you know, we listed our home for sale in June. The reason: we've got a decent amount of credit card debt we'd like to erase and can't really work on attacking it with a mortgage payment. We make just enough to pay bills (sometimes, not even that.. more on that in a minute), let alone throw additional income on paying off debt. Also, we hope to move closer to civilization (haha). More-so me than Jake, but he's been such a champ willing to go along with this move more for my own happiness, and for that, I thank him. I have many reasons for wanting to get closer to town... closer to family, closer to parks, stores, activities, closer to friends, shorter commute to work, church, LIFE. The list goes on. We will actually save quite a bit of money by being closer with all the gas savings. We are not planning on buying another house until we rid this debt, which means we need to find somewhere to live for CHEAP. Enter: our best friends Kyle and Margaret. Our longtime friends have graciously opened their home to us, once ours sells, so we can move in and work towards a fresh financial slate. Sounds very mature and responsible, right? Yes, we think so, too. Which is why are so frustrated that our original closing date of August 27th isn't happening. At right about the one month mark of our home being on the market, we went under contract and were thrilled. But of course, things are bound to come up during a home process. Funny thing is, there was NOTHING about our home that broke the deal.. it was the buyer. We agreed upon a great deal, moved forward with the inspection.. which turned out to be a great thing because we learned there were no major findings and the "repairs" were very minimal. Which was great news! So we thought. It turns out, the buyer didn't want to live in a neighborhood with "restrictive covenants". These are "rules" that were written 14 years ago when the neighborhood was first developed that aren't enforced or followed anymore. We have no HOA, no "president" or anyone to enforce anything. But, he got cold feet and he terminated the contract. Which as you can imagine, put a hold on everything. We had to put our house back on the market (it has been on the market for about 3 weeks now) and have had quite a few showings since then, but no other offers. It is very annoying to hear feedback like, "buyers LOVED your home, had nothing but positive things to say about it, it shows like a model, it's at the top of their list" but then they buy something else or don't get back to us at all. I can honestly say, selling a home is one of the most miserable things, and I dread ever doing it again. You invest so much time and money into it, and just when you think you're almost out, you're back to square one. We plan on leaving our house on the market until the fall, and if it doesn't sell by the end of October we will remove it and try next spring. We are really hoping that isn't the case, because that means delaying our plan to pay of debt, which delays us buying a new home, which delays us from having baby number 2. Ideally we wanted to get pregnant when Levi was 2, but not knowing how long we will live here, or with Kyle and Margaret (when that does happen) puts it all on hold. I do not want to have another child until we are in a new home. Lord knows we really wouldn't want to have one while living with our friends, that would add too much stress on everyone. But all we can do is pray. I can't get lost in frustration, worry, doubt, fear.. it solves nothing. The Lord knows our desire, and we cry it out to Him every day. Asking for Him to help us with step 1: selling this home. But God doesn't fit into a box, He doesn't follow "our" plans. He is the creator of the UNIVERSE, surely, He has a plan for our life, our family.
Now, that is just one aspect (although a very large one) of the tribulations facing us lately. Another is finances. As every family who has one income knows, things can be tight. Choosing to be a stay-at-home-mom means a lack of a second income, one of the big "cons" of choosing to do so. Now I know what you're all thinking... "doesn't she have a successful wedding business and works on the side?". Yes, yes I do. And if you know anything about a small business, it's that you're not in it for the money. A lot of people with small business still have "real jobs" to support themselves; I do not. While I do have 20 weddings this year, that doesn't mean I get paid for them all at "convenient" times when I need the money. Some of them paid me a year ago or more. And not only that, creating a successful business takes a lot of that money away. Marketing, travel, business expenses, wedding shows, a new website.. all cost A LOT. Another thing to understand is I don't get paid bi-weekly or on any set schedule. I get paid when a client decides to book me, which sometimes can be months after initially speaking with them. They also have their own finances to sort through, and have to get their own money together to pay me. Owning a small business is very risky and unpredictable as far as income is concerned. This aspect has nothing to do with how great of a business we are. We are great, and we are good at what we do. But a lot of the money we bring in, goes right back out into making our business awesome. There are a lot of planners out there, and you have to fight HARD to win clients. Not getting paid for months is standard, and very challenging. And as far as Jake, although he has a GREAT job, we thought he might of had a higher level position by now. He's still where he started, and that's okay because we are waiting for the right door to open (pray for one that doesn't involve moving!). If we were willing to move, he could have a higher pay no problem. But that's not what we want. So we wait, and trust in God's perfect timing. Ok blah, blah, blah. I won't bore you with our financial woes. Just know, one month we could be doing pretty good, then the next (or 3 in this case!) we are fighting to get by. Thank you Lord for family that helps us is all I can say about that. I am even weary of saying all of this because you could see us out to eat one night, then see this "whining" about finances and be like "wait, I thought they had no money". Doesn't every family have financial ups and downs? So yes, if we have the money, we will treat ourselves to a dinner out. But that doesn't mean the next month we might not be able to pay a bill or two. So please, watch how you judge. So all of this just ties right back around to selling this home.. if we were free of a mortgage payment and utility costs, we'd be in a lot better shape.
Can you see why we're just kind of discouraged lately? It seems like if we have good intentions (aka selling this home to become more financially responsible) that God should honor that and help it come to fruition. But HIS plans are higher than ours. I don't know why, but that doesn't matter. He knows, He cares, He provides.
Enter the verses: "We also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us" (Romans 5:3-5)
AMEN! Hope does not disappoint. I have to repeat that over, and over. When I am disappointed in these circumstances, I have to remember I have been given hope through Christ Jesus. And THAT hope surely does not disappoint.
Please pray with me friends, pray for God's will for our family. We really appreciate it. Also, let us pray for all of our friends/family who are going through trying times. I know many who are going through things on a much larger magnitude than this. And sometimes, that makes me feel like I shouldn't voice my worries or concerns at all.. because it is minuscule compared to the tribulations of others. But I shut out the enemy who feeds me that lie... God cares for all of His children, and all of their tribulations, big or small.
I pray you all find peace and hope during hard times!
xo
Jessica
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